Thinking of doing stand-up comedy. Anyone else dabble?

[carcinogen]

Friend of mine is a failed stand-up. Good mates with Jimmy Carr. He never quite got over the fact that Jimmy 'made' it. He's okay though; rich parents etc. etc.

I'm not rich. But I need a fucking job. I'm witty and bright but what fucking audience do I aim for? I'm not neither fish nor foul, posh nor common, dumb but bright but not intellectual. I'm looking for the elusive middle-ground. I don't want to be Michael M***tyre or Roy Chubby Brown, or even Stewart Lee or heaven forbid Gervais. Even the brilliant Jerry Sadowitz is out of my league.

If I post idea's will you offer critique and not be cunts about it?

[The Ghost of Alex Higgins]

Piss off wanker!

[LaaLaa]

Piss off wanker!

To which the stand-up comedian should probably respond to that heckle with a brilliant put-down...

Something like...

"Ah well, at least it's a night off for his carers."

[Reg]

Even the brilliant Jerry Sadowitz is out of my league.

How incredibly modest of you to say so.

But on a more serious note, why do you want to be a comedian?

Do you make people laugh or are you just intending to get up on stage and lecture/rant like most so-called comics.

[The Ghost of Alex Higgins]

or are you just intending to get up on stage and lecture/rant like most so-called comics.

The Ghost of Alex Higgins presents Things I Find Unacceptable

[Sid Pervcat]

Friend of mine is a failed stand-up. Good mates with Jimmy Carr. He never quite got over the fact that Jimmy 'made' it. He's okay though; rich parents etc. etc.

I'm not rich. But I need a fucking job. I'm witty and bright but what fucking audience do I aim for? I'm not neither fish nor foul, posh nor common, dumb but bright but not intellectual. I'm looking for the elusive middle-ground. I don't want to be Michael M***tyre or Roy Chubby Brown, or even Stewart Lee or heaven forbid Gervais. Even the brilliant Jerry Sadowitz is out of my league.

If I post idea's will you offer critique and not be cunts about it?

You're about as funny as Syphilis so basically, don't bother yeah?

[rorymac]

The elusive middle ground tends to stay at home Carc
My own limited enough experience tbf of comedy nights is that they are frequented by folks who guffaw their bollocks off for no reason. You need a catchphrase for sure .. 'ooh you are awful but I like you' .. 'oooooh chase me' .. stuff like that is timeless and folks will piss their pants just waiting for it iykwim

You can use my own 'Straight up it .. no foreplay' if you like .. just keep saying it til one of the cunts laughs and then jovially point at that fucker 'aha job's a goodun' over and fucking over and remember you're brightening folks lives every time you say it ok.
Oh you'll need a topical joke or two .. at the moment summink about a wig and Donald Trump, any ol bollocks at all .. they'll fucking piss themselves at that for certain. if you don't mind me saying and from your posts you'll need to be very careful with the ale .. just enough to stop the shakes but not so much that you go into your shell iykwim .. preferably imo get sober and wait a while, before going for it. Good luck fella

[Reg]

or are you just intending to get up on stage and lecture/rant like most so-called comics.

The Ghost of Alex Higgins presents Things I Find Unacceptable

Can we put aside our temporary legal differences and make this happen?

I'm thinking a six-night offensive blast in Edinburgh to alienate the cosmopolitan media, then a residence at The Cuntery, the exclusive ten-seater theatre in London's fashionable Murder Mile.

[The Ghost of Alex Higgins]

I see you as a poet My Carc...perhaps "The People's Poet"?

[Reg]

Friend of mine is a failed stand-up. Good mates with Jimmy Carr. He never quite got over the fact that Jimmy 'made' it. He's okay though; rich parents etc. etc.

I'm not rich. But I need a fucking job. I'm witty and bright but what fucking audience do I aim for? I'm not neither fish nor foul, posh nor common, dumb but bright but not intellectual. I'm looking for the elusive middle-ground. I don't want to be Michael M***tyre or Roy Chubby Brown, or even Stewart Lee or heaven forbid Gervais. Even the brilliant Jerry Sadowitz is out of my league.

If I post idea's will you offer critique and not be cunts about it?

You're about as funny as Syphilis so basically, don't bother yeah?

You are a dinosaur Moono - comedy isn't about being funny these days.

[Sid Pervcat]

Please God we don't return to the epic unfunny days of who's line is it anyway

[kancutlawns]

Friend of mine is a failed stand-up. Good mates with Jimmy Carr. He never quite got over the fact that Jimmy 'made' it. He's okay though; rich parents etc. etc.

I'm not rich. But I need a fucking job. I'm witty and bright but what fucking audience do I aim for? I'm not neither fish nor foul, posh nor common, dumb but bright but not intellectual. I'm looking for the elusive middle-ground. I don't want to be Michael M***tyre or Roy Chubby Brown, or even Stewart Lee or heaven forbid Gervais. Even the brilliant Jerry Sadowitz is out of my league.

If I post idea's will you offer critique and not be cunts about it?

Why bother because you're going to be worm food anyway. You're wasting whatever miniscule talent you have with that shite, just continue posting on here about everyone being cunts, eh?

[Reg]

Come on guys, let's keep this positive and constructive.

[Carlos J]

Indeed, Reg. Tiresome retorts not warranted nor wanted on 'Open Chat'.

Anyway, aren't there a few comedy nights in Partridgeland? Not sure if they have open mic nights.

Record some audio, carc, stick it online and send me a link and will critique.

[Rantan Zero]

Friend of mine is a failed stand-up. Good mates with Jimmy Carr. He never quite got over the fact that Jimmy 'made' it. He's okay though; rich parents etc. etc.

I'm not rich. But I need a fucking job. I'm witty and bright but what fucking audience do I aim for? I'm not neither fish nor foul, posh nor common, dumb but bright but not intellectual. I'm looking for the elusive middle-ground. I don't want to be Michael M***tyre or Roy Chubby Brown, or even Stewart Lee or heaven forbid Gervais. Even the brilliant Jerry Sadowitz is out of my league.

If I post idea's will you offer critique and not be cunts about it?

If you're nervous about being yourself then why not invent a hilarious character for you to be instead?

[Reg]

Friend of mine is a failed stand-up. Good mates with Jimmy Carr. He never quite got over the fact that Jimmy 'made' it. He's okay though; rich parents etc. etc.

I'm not rich. But I need a fucking job. I'm witty and bright but what fucking audience do I aim for? I'm not neither fish nor foul, posh nor common, dumb but bright but not intellectual. I'm looking for the elusive middle-ground. I don't want to be Michael M***tyre or Roy Chubby Brown, or even Stewart Lee or heaven forbid Gervais. Even the brilliant Jerry Sadowitz is out of my league.

If I post idea's will you offer critique and not be cunts about it?

If you're nervous about being yourself then why not invent a hilarious character for you to be instead?

He has - it's called Carc!

[m4rkb]

Don't fucking bother.

All the current crop of 'comedians' are shit. All the best jokes are banned because they're unPC and you'll end up as another useless cunt telling jokes below the standard of why did thew chicken cross the road.

[The Ghost of Alex Higgins]

Walk onstage. Hold up photo of your sky news ex. Scream WHY LORD WHY!! Tear up photo. Cry. Soil yourself.

[Sid Pervcat]

why did thew chicken cross the road.

Dunno.
Why did thew chicken cross the road?

[m4rkb]

why did thew chicken cross the road.

Dunno.
Why did thew chicken cross the road?

Because it self identified as a duck and there was a group of them on the other side of the road........(copyright (c) m4rkb. Not to be used in Carcs shit act.)

[Reg]

FFS Carc, GET ON WITH IT!

[Reg]

Re your recent phone-in experience.

Is Giles your stage name?

[Reg]

GET ON WITH IT YOU LAZY BASTARD!!!

[Reg]

Bump.

[m4rkb]

To be honest Carc is fucked for material in today's offence seeking world. There ent no jokes left to tell. But I'd cut him some slack if he could give us just one moment of mirth from his forthcoming stand up routine.

At this rate we'll have to declare Matt Forde a better comedian, which is a right fucking insult as there are people who've spent ten years in a persistent vegetative state who are funnier than him.